The Boolean Life
Things are either True or False. Or not.
Pesky humans, big data and the God DB
By Olibe.nu

Just imagine how God's MySql tables look like. Big data? Think humongous. Imagine when that single hair on your head is greying.

Think of the SQL update statement.

UPDATE tblhumanhair SET colour=#whitish WHERE human_id=? AND hair_id=?

One thing I know, the human_id column is most definitely not an integer (you guys are too many!). And #whitish, He's got to determine what particular shade of grey that single strand is.

Of course, He tracks these properties - what do you think the God DB is there for? Facebook? He also tracks those little chirping sparrows and all those nasty tweets you send. Yeah, a much bigger database than Santa keeps.

And here you thought you had issues. Just think of the sharding He'll have to do! You look up to the sky and see stars at night. Guess what? That is a lot of LEDs blinking on a lot of servers for every movie you pirate!

Only kidding. God is cool and pro open source and likes sharing. Why else do you think he uses MySql? It is true He has not put the human genome map on GitHub (what else will Sergey Brin's money be used for?) but he does not overly frown on reverse engineering (as long as we keep the piracy down to little mp3s and not whole albums - all those Resident Evil Umbrella wannabes, take note).

As if all this was not enough (did I mention weather tracking too? Forget all that hurricane forecasting the weather channel does, this sets the data before the let_there_be_light() function is called), some dude out there decides to go grow dreadlocks or spray paint hair blue and let us bot forget to mention the tatoos (ever tried to counting skin cells and giving each of them an id? Pesky humans!).

If you are the sort, no pressure. There is nothing really wrong with working on your body. But if it is not for important stuff like working out and staying healthy, God prefers that you leave it as it is! After all, you humans are not getting any fewer!

If you must do that weird spiky hair, or pierce your body all over, it is ok. Just know that when you die, you will be automatically assigned DB Administrator. You get to write the scripts that track the states of people like you.

So because you are a programmer in your life now and have worked for Facebook or Google, and have a handle on big data, you think it would be easy? Pray that human_id(Lady Gaga) be on your assigned server. You will see how short eternity is!